AHAM – Chapter 4: LOVE COMPROMISED………UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE COMPROMISED………UNCONDITIONAL

Prince Siddhartha Gautama, later known as the Buddha, left his wife Yaśodharā and their son Rāhula in Kapilavastu when he renounced his royal life to seek enlightenment. This event, known as the Great Renunciation, is said to have taken place around 563 BCE. Siddhartha’s departure was a significant moment in Buddhist history, marking the beginning of his quest for enlightenment. Yaśodharā, deeply affected by his husband’s departure, chose a simple life and eventually became a Buddhist nun.

The author of this story explores the psychological impact on Yaśodharā and highlights the feminine sacrifice perspective. According to the story, Yaśodharā believed that her sacrifice was instrumental in Siddhartha’s journey to becoming the Buddha. She expressed that she pretended to be asleep on the night of his departure, sacrificing her own happiness for his quest for enlightenment. She believed that if she had shown her true emotions and begged him to stay, Siddhartha would not have left and would not have achieved enlightenment.

The arrival

Little Rahul was surprised to see the people of Kapilavasthu in a cheerful mood. Even the flowers, birds, and butterflies appeared to be celebrating, as if anticipating a significant event in their small town. He hurried to his mother, Yasodha, who was sitting alone in the garden, but looking sad. He hesitated to disturb his mother’s quietness, just as he was about to leave, she softly called his name, “Rahul…” She took his hand, placed him in her lap, and asked, “Rahul, why have you come to me? Is there something you need?”

Rahul nodded and softly asked, “Great Mathasree, can I inquire about something without disturbing your peace?” Yasodha embraced him tightly and expressed, “Rahul, you are my soul, my reason to live. I cannot envision my life without you.” With a smile, she kissed his forehead and inquired, “What would you like to know, my dear?”

Rahul observed the fading smile on his mother’s face, sensing the sorrow within. He cautiously questioned, “Mathasree, why are the people of Kapilavasthu so jubilant today? The birds are singing joyfully, the flowers in our garden are blooming, and the breeze carries the essence of love, affection, and tranquility. What could this signify? It appears even the trees and plants are eagerly awaiting to share some wonderful news. Can you enlighten me, Ma?”

Yasodha gently moved him aside and approached her favorite Asoka tree, which had been her moral support through all her joyful and sorrowful moments. She touched its leaves and branches and whispered, “Do you remember that full moon day, my dear friend?” She continued, “I do not know how to answer or console my little son, Rahul. What should I tell him now? I hope you remember the day I shared with you. You consoled me and showered me with flowers to make me happy. You inspired me not to give up hope and live for my son. You convinced me that someday, the world would recognize my sacrifice.”

On that full moon day, how could I forget my fate? It marked the end of my happy days with my beloved husband, Siddhartha, the prince of Kapilavasthu. Though he never willingly spent a moment with me or our son, I loved him dearly and cherished every moment with him. Siddhartha devoted his life to humanity, worrying about the sorrows of the world, except for mine and our little son’s. Neither I, our royal family, nor the kingdom was in his consciousness. His heart beat only for the sufferers, and he dedicated his life to battling the world’s sorrows, conveniently forgetting his own.

That night, despite the full moonlight, my mind was filled with darkness. The natural world was silent and still, with even the slightest movement of a leaf hesitating. The birds had already returned to their nests before nightfall. Yasodha wept as she spoke to the Asoka tree, recalling a time when she had asked it the same question her son had just asked. The tree had remained silent then, but Yasodha had later understood the meaning of nature’s signs.

Emotionally, Yasodha continued, “To me, you are more than just a tree; you are my soulmate. Let me share with you the truth of what happened after seven years of my abandonment. I know that Siddhartha loved you more than me, naming you Asoka and caring for you while he was in Kapilavasthu. Now, you must know the truth of what transpired on that fateful full moon day.”

That night, Siddhartha was deeply troubled. As a devoted partner and loyal wife, how could I rest while my husband was in distress? No wife on earth could sleep when their husband was in a state of confusion or sorrow. I, too, found it impossible to sleep and instead lay in bed, feigning slumber. My attention was fully on Siddhartha and his restless movements. At one point, I felt the urge to ask him about his troubles, but my intuition told me to respect his wishes. I watched as he stood by the window, gazing at the moon in the hopes of finding solace for his troubled mind. I prayed for strength and courage for him, unaware that the blessing bestowed upon him by God would bring about a curse in my own life.

I watched as Siddhartha paced the palace veranda, making an important decision. How could I sleep when he was so stressed? I lay there, holding Rahul, and witnessed my fate change. Shockingly, I saw Siddhartha leave the palace forever. I could not believe my eyes but controlled myself not to weep or even breathe loudly. I believed in his happiness and knew that his ambition to dedicate himself to humanity meant that he saw me and our son as barriers to achieving his goal.

If I would have wept…..

My Guru and parents instilled in me the belief that, as a good wife, I must act in accordance with the wishes and ambitions of my husband. His sorrows and happiness are mine too. Respecting the words of my Guru means standing by him, no matter the consequences. So, I determined not to use my sentiments to change his mind or stop him from leaving me and our little child.

On that night, if I had wept and begged him by holding his feet, I was sure his mind would have melted, and he would not have decided to leave the palace. If I had not suppressed my weeping or wiped away my tears, my Prince would not have become the Great Buddha. If I had shown him our little son’s innocent face and begged for his mercy, I am certain he would not have rejected my plea. But I controlled myself, forgetting all my weaknesses and selfishness for my beloved and most respectable prince, just for him and his own happiness. I sacrificed all my happiness and selfness for the sake of my husband’s greater purpose.

Had I not done this, the world would not have known the enlightened Buddha. From the world’s point of view, his enlightenment might seem like the ultimate sacrifice, but it was not solely his achievement. It was my contribution, as all his accomplishments bear the salty taste of my tears and my sacrifice. It was our son who sacrificed the love and affection of his father. Yet, the world now praises him, his greatness. He represents the symbol of human values, sacrifice, love, and affection. The world named him the Great Buddha, but to me, he will always remain my Siddhartha.

I wonder how he can console the entire world when he could not understand the tears of his own family. How can he be at peace, having given us the bitterness of sorrow and loneliness? Did he ever consider the insults, the teasing words, and the stares I faced from the people around me? Forgetting a woman’s limitations to live without a husband, how can he provide love and affection to the whole world when he denied the same to his own family? I began to embrace the darkness and silence. Every full moon day is a nightmare for me. The smile and naughtiness of Rahul bring rays of hope back into my life. He rekindles the love and affection that his father failed to give me. My hopes rest on my Rahul; he is my reason for living.

Now, tell me, my friend, how can I console my little Rahul? What answer can I give him for his questions? Today is the day I have feared for seven years. Today, Siddhartha is visiting Kapilavasthu not as Prince Siddhartha, but as Lord Buddha. This is the reason for the joyous actions of the people of Kapilavasthu, even nature celebrates his return to his hometown.

My friend, look at my son, waiting for answers to his questions. Help me, what should I tell him? I am unable to tell him that his father, the Prince of Kapilavasthu, is returning home town styled as a divine monk. This information might plunge him into sorrow. His love and respect for his father might turn into hatred. Let my son hold on to his belief and expectations; they are the spirit of his life.

Great Buddha was born from the womb of nature that night, for which the world says it is the enlightened Siddhartha who was named Buddha. He enlightened his intelligence and became Buddha, indicating that he was once in the darkness of ignorance. I forgive him for his actions when he was ignorant. Let him light up the world. Whenever light brightens other objects, the source remains in the dark. Even in fire, you can observe the darkness at the core. Let my Siddhartha dedicate his entire life to this world, forgetting how much pain it caused those who loved him. Now, after seven years, he is coming back, not as a husband or a father, but as Lord Buddha. I do not know whether to rejoice or weep.

The soft touch of little Rahul awakened Yasodha from her thoughts. She turned and looked at his charming smile with curious eyes. She hugged him and said, “Look, my son, I was thinking about your question. I asked my friend, the Asoka tree, to help me answer you, and it was explaining to me the reason behind today’s happiness in the world.”

“My son,” she continued, “today is Pournami, a full moon day. A great saint is coming to our little town. He is next to God. I have told you many times that a Guru is always next to God, as he leads us to God. Today, a great Guru is arriving in our town. Within a few minutes, he will pass through this street. The entire town is waiting for him with fresh flowers to receive him. Look at the street; it is fully covered with beautiful flowers of different colors. Every flower might aspire to touch his feet, but the flowers in our garden do not have that luck. They may be weeping because they cannot touch the noble foot of the Great Buddha. We are always unlucky, my child, even our flowers do not have the luck to see Lord Buddha, the great Guru of the world.”

Rahul could see the sorrow in his mother’s eyes. He understood that his mother was upset for some reason, and her sadness transferred to his little face. He followed his mother to the top floor of the palace. He was sure that his mother had a desire to see this Great Saint, but some thoughts stopped her from expressing her wish. Yasodha and Rahul entered their bedroom and sat near the small window. Through this window, she used to show him the street and the people living outside his world. Yasodha understood that her son was not happy because he could not see the Great Saint like others. She broke the silence with a smile and said, “Look, Rahul, my son, we can view the arrival of Lord Buddha through this window, so you can pray to him.”

“Rahul, my son,” she continued, “remember, whatever you pray for, he will be able to give you. Tell me, Rahul, are you happy?” Rahul nodded his head in agreement with his mother’s suggestion, and they sat near the window. They could see thousands of people waiting on both sides of the street. Everywhere was decorated with fresh flowers. The band, drums, and other musical instruments played a beautiful rhythm announcing the importance of the approaching person.

Suddenly, Rahul let go of his mother’s hand, rushed to the ground floor of the palace, and headed towards the garden. He plucked a bunch of flowers from different plants and rushed to the street. The soldiers were astonished and shocked by little Rahul’s actions. Before they could understand what had happened, little Rahul reached the street where the Great Saint was arriving. Now he could see a glowing personality approaching the street, a noble figure in saffron robes, radiating the glory of a full moon. Rahul could not believe his eyes. He was next to Lord Buddha, who could fulfill his ambitions. He was in a joyous mood. He rushed into the crowd and vanished, becoming a part of it. The people were rejoicing, welcoming their Lord with flowers and praying, “Buddham saranam gacchami, Dharmam saranam gacchami, Sangham saranam gacchami.”

Will you give me back my father……?

Little Rahul was now very near to Lord Buddha. He crawled through the crowd and could see Buddha a few distances ahead. Nothing could stop his ambition or goal. He rushed to Lord Buddha and touched his feet, pouring the flowers he had plucked from his garden at Buddha’s feet.

Lord Buddha was surprised by little Rahul’s actions. He stopped and looked at the child who was touching his feet, feeling the wetness of tears on them. Recognizing it as the boy’s tears, Lord Buddha was taken aback, unable to comprehend the sorrows of such a young child. He touched little Rahul’s shoulders, lifted him, bent down to his face, and asked, “My little boy, who are you? What makes you unhappy? Why did your tears wash my feet?”

Rahul looked into Lord Buddha’s eyes, his mother’s words echoing in his mind. Through his tears, he replied, “My lord, these tears are not just from sorrow but from joyous thoughts. By this action, I could fulfill the ambitions of my great mother and even the flowers at your feet now. I am sure my mother might be experiencing the greatest joy and happiness if she could see this meeting. I have no sorrows except seeing my mother’s tears. My lord, please bless me so that I can stop her sorrows and give her maximum happiness throughout life.”

Impressed by the boy’s reply, Lord Buddha bent down to him and said, “I know you are a great child. Every son who wipes the tears of his parents should be blessed by the gods. Now tell me, can I meet your parents who are blessed with such a great son?”

Little Rahul’s face turned red, his eyes unable to contain the tears of joy. He sat at Lord Buddha’s feet and said, “Lord, my mother told me that you are a great saint who leads humanity to God. I know you are my God or maybe next to God. Mathasree also told me that you can give me anything I ask. If you permit, can I ask you something?”

Buddha smiled, wiped his tears, and said, “Tell me, my little boy, what you want from me. Being human, if it is possible for me, I will fulfill it.”

Overwhelmed with happiness, Rahul’s eyes widened. His little lips trembled, and in a whispering voice, he asked, “My Lord, will you please give me back my father and his true love and affection? I understand that my mother’s greatest sorrow is my father’s absence. As her son, it is my duty to wipe away her tears.”

Deeply moved by Rahul’s plea, Lord Buddha asked with curiosity, “Look, my little boy, you are just like my son. Tell me, who is your mother and where is she?”

Rahul, brimming with happiness, pointed toward a small window of the palace and said, “I am sure she is watching you through that window. Her name is Yasodha, and my father was the prince of this kingdom named Siddhartha.”

The whole of nature fell silent. Lord Buddha could hear no sound, nor see any people around him except Rahul. He felt a profound realization that he had not been enlightened, but that his little son had enlightened him. He understood that when he saw the world through his eyes, he could not see himself. The Great Lord realized that though he intended to save the whole world from sorrow, he needed his son to identify his greatest weakness. He whispered to Rahul, “Yes, my son, I recognize my mistake and admit that I have failed as a son, king, husband, and father. With all these failures, how can I lead this world to happiness? You have opened my eyes. You have torched the path to true happiness. I believe that God sent you here to enlighten me.”

Rahul held his hand with a smile and pointed towards the window of the palace, saying, “My lord, my God is there, waiting to see you, to seek your blessings.”

Lord Buddha moved ahead with renewed steps. The people around him did not notice the feelings experienced by the Great Son of a Great Father. Nobody knew what was in his mind, except Lord Buddha.

The author delves into Yaśodharā’s emotional experience on the night of Siddhartha’s departure, showcasing her deep empathy and sensitivity towards his distress. Despite her desire to comfort him, Yaśodharā chooses to pretend to be asleep, revealing a complex inner conflict. Through her silent prayers for Siddhartha’s well-being, she demonstrates her support and wishes for his strength and courage. Yaśodharā’s realization that Siddhartha’s blessing could turn into a curse for her underscores the theme of sacrifice, adding a layer of tragic irony to the narrative. This highlights the heavy toll Siddhartha’s spiritual journey takes on those he leaves behind, portraying the inner turmoil of a devoted wife torn between love and duty. Her sleepless night symbolizes the profound impact of Siddhartha’s choices on her life and emotions, showcasing her silent resilience and unwavering love. In essence, this passage beautifully captures Yaśodharā’s deep emotions and sacrifices in the face of Siddhartha’s quest for enlightenment.

The story depicts the profound emotional and psychological themes at play. Rahul’s determination to reach Lord Buddha and offer the flowers demonstrates his pure-hearted ambition and youthful innocence. His actions are driven by a strong desire to fulfill his mother’s wishes and bring her happiness. Despite his young age, Rahul shows remarkable emotional maturity. His tears reflect a mix of sorrow and joy, indicating his deep understanding of his mother’s pain and his wish to ease it. Rahul’s plea to bring his father back reveals a deep sense of attachment and responsibility. He understands his role in his mother’s life and feels accountable for her well-being.

Buddha’s recognition of his failures as a son, king, husband, and father is a moment of great humility. He acknowledges his shortcomings and learns from his son’s perspective, emphasizing the theme of continuous learning and personal growth.

The emotional exchange between Rahul and Buddha is profound. Rahul’s request and Buddha’s response create a powerful dynamic where the roles of teacher and student blur. The child enlightens the teacher, showing that wisdom can come from unexpected sources.

The story showcases a transformative moment for Buddha. Through Rahul’s perspective, he gains a new understanding of his own life and purpose. This realization leads to a renewed sense of direction and purpose.

The author analyzing a deep exploration of the emotional and psychological aspects of the characters, highlighting the transformative impact of compassion, humility, and the bond between parent and child.

Dr. Sreedhar Saraswathy

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